Actually, the first game was fine. In fact, I easily won just by going with the most obvious tactic: Grow to a certain size, then split myself up into smaller balls so I can go around eating more balls at the same time. It was an effective strategy: I ended up weighing far heavier than anyone else.

That easy triumph went to my head. And forever will I regret.

In a sudden lapse of judgment, I decided to be more adventurous in my next game. So far I had been playing survival mode, which is basically me against other individuals. Team mode, on the other hand, pits me and four teammates against other teams of five.

Warning: Team mode is ruthless.

For starters, my opponents looked a lot scarier. As soon as the game began, I ran into a colony of crazy-looking cookie balls before I even figured out where my teammates were.

Did you see them? Those giant unhinged eyes? These cookie balls are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

I don’t know how they managed to move so quickly while being so big. Nor do I know where most of my teammates were, still. But anyway, that was all it took to turn me away from this game -- FOREVER.

Maybe you guys will like it better.